Dealing with loss without closure!
Its been almost a year since we lost my father in-law due to Covid. We still haven’t came out of denial, we don’t know how to. Coping with loss without any closure or emotional support is hard.
When it happened last year, my husband was in complete shock. Year on, he still says he should’ve saved his dad. The guilt of not being next to his dad to provide moral support during those weeks is forever to live with.
I still remember the day his dad called us and said he has light temperature and going for Covid test. We didn’t think much since covid spread in the town where he lived was not high, we thought it is just a precautionary action. Probably that was the last time hubby spoke to his dad in full conscious. Same day FIL got admitted into hospital , slowly within 2 days he went to critical state and we never had a chance to speak to him after that. It escalated quickly from having trouble breathing to losing him 3 weeks later.
Those 3 weeks and months after that were the worst , with severe lockdown (meant no visitors/home visits) and 5km distance restrictions didn’t help us get any support from anyone. I felt suffocated and hard to support my shattered hubby and a clueless 8yr old child. I had to act brave and strong to support my family at that time which still has an impact on me.
We live 10,000 miles away from our parents in different country. We’ve made few impromptu trips before Covid, So being there for them was never an issue for us. However, Covid changed everything with international border restrictions, quarantine etc., made it almost impossible to travel even after a year now.
It feels scary to move on, we are holding on to those emotions as if that will help us connect with the family and heal together when we visit them. We still haven’t seen his mum in person, it makes me emotional, thinking about being there in the same house without his dad. Even though hubby video calls his mum often.
Our only hope for acceptance is closure. I kind of feel that when we get to visit the family(Maybe another year to wait), being with them might help us get the closure and eventually accept. I don’t think you will ever move on losing your loved one, but closure is the only light that I see at the end of this tunnel.
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