Toxic Trait

Let's talk about the elephant in the room!! 

Come on, its not bad. All of us has some toxic trait. I have so many but one that I noticed recently and I was rather shocked to reflect on it.

Recently I did plasma donation which I started after seeing G doing it for so many years and got inspired and started it for my bday. I must say its not going well for me, I don't want to scare anyone who is thinking of donating. It is one of the best thing to do. For women who has mensural issues, you need to monitor your hemoglobin and blood pressure just incase it puts you in danger.   

Few years back I was iron anaemic and I had to do few infusions. After a procedure last year my iron level is much better. I start off plasma donation, after my 1st donation, my hemoglobin dropped which I didn't notice until next time I went to donate. But the nurse reassured  that Im in normal range for donation. So I went ahead.

 I didn't want to do my next donation immediately, I waited for 3 months . I was fully hydrated and had salty breaky before the donation. It started off well , mid-way I couldn't concentrate on my book, I felt tired,  I closed my eyes and started to focus on my hand movements. Just 10ml to finish my session, I started to feel very uneasy. I couldn't signal anyone..Started to go blurry, I finally called one nurse and told her Im feeling dizzy. She immediately put my chair to go flat to let blood flow to my head while the last step of my donation is still happening. I closed my eyes, i couldn't feel much. The only thought kept my mind awake was to reach my son. He is home alone and I told him I will be back in 2 hrs and G is in the city. I know its almost 2 hrs and he might panic if Im not home soon and he doesn't have a mobile phone to reach me. I msg G , I assured him Im ok (he started from work immediately). 

After 30 mins and a hydrolyte drink later, my BP came back to normal and I felt little better. Im still worried about my son who is home alone and I go to the after-donate-pantry and stuff myself up with all the salty snacks they had like pretzels, chips, cheese, salt biscuits and an iced chocolate drink to get some sugar. I felt better and I drove back home. 

I reached home (G reached home as well), I just slept for next 3 hrs straight.  This is where I noticed my toxic trait. I didn't call for help, my friend lives close by and my other friend whom I cancelled  our catchup that afternoon msg me to ask whether I need a ride home. She was just around the corner as well. I just felt guilty to cancel on her rather than ask her for help. isn't concerning?  

I dont seek help, I try and do it all on my own rather then asking. I reflected on this incident  and every other situation in my life the extremes or the simple ones, I just do it all on my own and acted as if its normal thing to do. Then even a small thing could overwhelm me and I label that as my laziness. No wonder Im exhausted both physically and emotionally. 

Recently I met a friend after so long, she mentioned how much she admires my life coz the way I manage everything so well. I responded to her saying  its not as simple as she sees it in social media. And it is my toxic trait that I made it appear that way. We all are struggling, I empathise with everyone else struggles except my own struggles. My dear friend and I talk everyday , thats our daily 30 mins therapy that keeps us sane.

 

I should start seeking more just like giving..  Seeking gracefully is the new trait I have to focus on..

Do you resonate with my story? Whats your toxic trait?